What She Needs, Is What I’ll Miss

IMG_3229 From the moment I came to my in-law’s house that weekend, I’d been avoiding her room. Aunt Lori warned me that she’d been packing all week. It made sense, we were getting down to the wire. Now I stood on the threshold looking in. It was everything I expected to see, but that didn’t make the sight more palatable. The pictures were down off the walls. The bible verses tacked to her mirror were removed. All that remained of her worldly possessions were piled neatly on the floor of her room. She looked up and smiled at me, blinking her glittering blue eyes.

“Where should I sit?” I asked.

“I’ll make a place for you here.” She cleared off her desk and pulled up the chair. She pointed at a pile of clothes. “This is it. I’ve always wanted to be a minimalist.”

I chuckled and said, “You know when you get there you’re not going to come back.” I was only half joking. The expression that crossed her face made me think she half hoped I was right.

The Philippines. It already looks far on a map, long before you calculate miles or flight times or time changes. Two years. It already sounds long before you break it down to months or weeks or days. But it’s hard to hold onto my selfish desire to keep her here when she’s glowing like this.

“Rachel it’s been crazy lately,” she said. “I mean through this whole thing, God has just been changing me. Like, all these little things in my life. I feel God putting his finger on everything. ‘You need to give this to me’ and ‘You need to give this to me’. Even my desire to become a missionary. He said to me, ‘What if I don’t want you to be a missionary? What if I want you to stay in New Jersey forever?’ I’m like, ‘God, why can’t you just let me be a missionary?’ But he wanted me to give him everything, even my desire to be a missionary. And when I did, he gave it back to me. Now there’s no fear. I’m sad, I mean, I know I’ll miss a lot, like Ben and Chelsea’s baby, but if this becomes permanent there will be a lot more of that.”

I’m listening with all of me, while still acutely aware of how easily I could burst into tears and how much I wish I could stealthily record our conversation. I want to be able to remember what she said word for word. I want to be able to absorb it into me, along with her confidence in Christ’s plans and ways, the lessons she’s learned and learning, and her abiding peace.

I eyed the clothes she laid aside for her journey ahead. For some in this world it would still be a lot, but for the average American in our area, not so much. But she won’t need a lot of things where she is going. What she will need is the bit of her that I will miss the most. The part I most hate to lose.

The beauty of her gracious heart. The gentleness of her christlike spirit. Her compassion. Her wisdom. Her strength. Her passionate desire to answer God’s call. That is what drew her across the ocean, with a suitcase full of love for the newborn babies she will deliver. That is what she will bring to the poor and needy mothers at the clinic God has sent her to.

Those are the things that make her beautiful, and that is what I will miss the most.IMG_0918

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The End: Second Draft, Second Novel

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I have just completed the second full draft of my second novel! 78,895 words and I am elated! Tomorrow, I’m going to comb through the story once more and check for any silly spelling errors before I print out my hard first copy. So far, that is my favorite part of this process, having a printed copy in my hands to scribble all over in pencil. I love what I do so much.

There is no real update on my first novel, which is currently titled Immortal Bond. That one is a Young Adult Fantasy about a newly orphaned girl whose love for a mysterious king is threatened by war. I’m still seeking publishers and agents, a nerve wracking process. I thank God for my husband, who loves me enough to hold my hand when I act like a baby. He’s the most patient man on the earth.

The novel I just finished is a Literary Fiction retelling of Edmund Rostand’s beautiful play, Cyrano De Bergerac. It is modernized and set in NYC. I had a different idea in the beginning, a sort of interweaving of several couple’s stories, but I fell in love with my two of my characters and they practically begged me to tell more of their story. Who was I to say no? They are both goofy, making the book a bit of a romantic comedy. Their dialogue is playful and their story is sweet.

Granted that is only my opinion, I have yet to have others read it, and perhaps someone will read it and tell me it sucks, but at the moment I am floating somewhere between ecstasy and bliss. If the naysayers are shaking their heads, I can’t see, hear, or feel them. I am the happy one. 🙂

© Rachel Svendsen 2015