The Creature Inside Me

Sometimes he’s lonely, the creature inside me, and lures me aside. Send everyone away. He wants to be alone so he can whisper dark stories about a useless, bent, and broken girl who keeps company with the creature inside her.

Sometimes he’s cold, the creature inside me, and builds a fire for warmth.
The smoke and heat burn my insides until hate pours from my eyes and mouth, splashing the innocents near me. It’s loathsome, but he must eat and I cannot face him, this creature inside me.

Sometimes he’s thirsty, the creature inside me, and milks my memories for water.
He digs and squeezes until I crack and drip salt and water and blood. It’s exhausting, but he must drink and I cannot rise to confront him, this creature inside me.

It’s crowded here, says the creature inside me, and bids me vacate me.
We argue that I must stay on and it is he who must leave, but the fight never ends. And the more he drinks and burns and hisses his stories, the more I forget whose house this is. It’s endless. But if you sleep we’ll both be free, whispers the creature inside me.

Now and again, when I’m still and rested, I forget he lies there waiting. I tear up the scripts he’s rehearsed before me and rewrite his words with dreams. I use them to build new worlds and vanquish lies.

He shrinks away to the closet. I jam it shut with the blade of my pen. Day floods in. And the me I sometimes only see in snapshots, spreads wild her arms in the wide sunlight.

Leaving the creature inside me, that trespasser/squatter, to grow lonely and hungry and thirsty and shrivel and wither and fade.

© Rachel Svendsen 2015

Anna

IMG_2768

The day’s fading fast now.
Your dreaming won’t keep.
I take hold of your hand as you’re falling asleep.
Since you can’t wait up for me, you go on upstairs,
And keep the covers warm darling,
I’ll join you there.

When we said I do I knew how it would be.
You’ve been awake twenty years more than me.
So I’ve saved a place for me, beside you in bed,
With a single shared pillow of stone for our head.

My day’s fading fast now,
And dreaming won’t keep.
This will be my last visit before I fall asleep.
I put my lips to cold stone and I kiss you goodnight.
“I’ll be with you soon lover. Until then, sleep tight.”

© Rachel Svendsen 2015

Definitions at 1am

wistful(having or showing a feeling of regretful longing)

restless(unable to relax or rest either emotionally or physically as a result of anxiety or boredom)

lost(unable to find ones way, unable to cope with a situation)

broken(having breaks or gaps in continuity)

disconsolate(unable to be comforted)

© Rachel Svendsen 2015

Merry Christmas Little Angel

Merry Christmas Little Angel

Merry Christmas Little Angel,
Looking down from Heaven above.
Mommy’s arms are aching for you,
Wishing she could show her love.

I know you have a sweeter view,
In a painless, perfect place.
Half my heart is happy for you,
Half just wants to touch your face.

God please hold my baby for me,
Give his little face a kiss.
He was Yours, Lord, long before,
I knew his heartbeat to exist.

I couldn’t give a greater gift,
Then anything he has with You.
God, help my heart move past the hurting,
And see Christmas from his view.

My babe, I longed to see your wonder,
When we lit our Christmas tree.
But the lights you see shine brighter,
Than my blind eyes have yet to see.

God I know You know my losses,
As you watched Your own son die.
I give my child back to You Lord,
You love him even more than I.

So, blow some kisses down to Mommy,
She’ll blow some back up to you.
Merry Christmas Little Angel,
Down here I’m still missing you. ❤

© Rachel Svendsen 2014

A Year Ago

A year ago I walked away
Far too nervous to look
Your father had tears in his eyes
Two pink lines
I was so nervous
I shook
Cried
I put my hands on you
Asleep inside me
The nightmare came too soon
Always weak
Always ill
My heart knew something was wrong
“Tell him not to leave us.”
Your father would put his lips against you
As close as he could
“We love you. You stay in there”
Always weak
Always ill

We came that day to see you grow
Instead
Cold office
Cold reality
“We’re so sorry”

A year ago I walked away
Far too wretched to believe
Your father had tears in his eyes
Two grieving parents
I was so broken
I shook
Screamed
I put my hands on you
Dead inside me
The nightmare wouldn’t end
Always weak
Always ill
Weeks dragged by relentlessly
“Why did God do this?”
Your father put his lips against my forehead
As close as he could
“I love you. We will be okay.”
Always weak
Always ill

Has it really been one year…
Surreal
Still loved
Still missed
“Goodnight my Angel”

© Rachel Svendsen 2014