Hope Beyond the Mess

Things are hard here, very hard.

I haven’t been well since I got pregnant. I am currently waiting for my endocrinologist to clear me for gallbladder surgery. The idea that I require clearance for surgery is still hard for me to believe. It feels like pregnancy ripped my body to pieces. For months now my first thought upon waking is, “how much of today will I have to spend in bed.”

I’m so tired of being sick.

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I am perpetually afraid of becoming a burden to the people I love, so this season of needing constant rest and assistance is both an emotional and physical strain. My husband is falling down under the weight of my needs, and for all I know so are all the other people I reach to for help. I keep pulling back and telling myself “No, don’t call them, you can do it.” I try. I fail. I end up back in bed, alone with my self loathing, until my depression gets heavy and dark.

During one of my depressive episodes, I sat down with my sister-in-law and told her a dream I’d had earlier that day. I dreamed I overheard everyone discussing how draining I was and how they wished I wasn’t part of the family. I slipped away, devastated that Tim’s family had rejected me, just like my own. I sought out my husband, but he was too involved in his seminary work to comfort me.

I don’t know if she could tell how broken I was, that I was low enough to wonder how much truth there was in my dream. She looked me in the eye and said, “That is direct attack from the Devil, Rachel. Don’t believe it.” She reminded me of how he wants to discourage us, to steal our reasons to hope, and keep us from turning to the God who loves us.

I don’t know where this path of suffering is going to lead me or my family. I don’t know when it is going to end. Finding meaning in all this pain has been a daily battle. But maybe I’m not meant to know the whys right now.

Hope is bigger than whys.

Hope is beyond the mess of my every day. Hope stands beyond my health, my family, my husband’s job, where I am living or if I ever have another baby.

Hope is that I will see my Savior’s face. Hope is that He loves me here in my bed, even when I’m so depressed I turn from the life He gave me. Hope is that He prays for me, even when I’m too angry to pray myself. Hope is that He embraces me, even when I’m too weak to crawl into His arms.

Hope is Him, everything else is a lie.

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Book Review: The God Who Heals by Johann & Christoph Blumhardt

First off, thank you again Plough Publishing for sending me another lovely book! There are few things more pleasing than receiving unexpected packages with free books inside. ❤

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The most recent book they sent me was The God Who Heals, a collection of devotional thoughts from  Johann and Christoph Blumhardt. They were a Lutheran father/son pastor team from 19th century Germany. The book is a collection of their thoughts on topics related to healing and patience through suffering. The book is divided into six sections: Turning to Jesus, Trusting Jesus, God Hears, God Promises to Heal, See What God Can Do, and The Hope That is Ours. Within the sections are short devotional-like thoughts on the topic, nice bite sized readings to chew and meditate on, all opening with a passage from scripture.

It’s a short book, and also sweet in that it is full of encouraging thoughts. The lessons within did not only apply to those who have life threatening or long lasting illnesses, but were applicable to suffering in general and encouraged you to hold fast in faith to Christ no matter what the outward circumstances. Here is a quote from the chapter entitled, “You Are Not Alone”:

If you can’t feel the Savior, than the more believe in him. Those to whom God’s love is nearest are precisely those who don’t see and yet believe (John 20:29). The same is true of those who don’t feel and yet believe. The enemy often wreaks havoc on our feelings; but he can’t touch your faith. The devil cannot own your faith – unless you give in.

~Johann Christoph Blumhardt

Thank you again Plough Publishing for giving me the joy of reading this book.

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If you want to read it yourself, you can get your copy here!