Crazy Summer 2016

This summer is going to be madness. I’m writing this post on the second day of June, and already I’m about to tear out my hair by the roots. Between doctor’s appointments, my brother’s wedding, and various other items under the vague category of “things,” Timothy and I have been running around like a horde of ants whose home was just squarshed by a massive foot.

Honestly, half of the madness might just be charged by emotion. These past three years have been hard. I’m still fighting through a lot in the depths of me, and what I really need is time with just Timothy and nobody else. I need time with MY family. OUR family. Just us.

I grab at that whenever I can. He referees soccer during the summer and fall, and I’ve been following him around toIMG_4129 all his games, just for the alone time in the car. Another plus is I’ve seen a lot of lovely New Jersey parks. One of them had one of the sweetest war memorial’s I’ve ever seen. It was understated, simplistic, and therefore twice as moving to walk through. And the sunsets! I’ve seen some of the most breathtaking sunsets from the passenger seat. Full palettes of color dropping over hills and mountains, and falling down along the highway as we drive home with his hand resting on my knee.

I’m looking forward to fall for multiple reasons. First being that the madness will be over. Second, I’ll be starting classes at William Paterson.

Being a the nerd that I am, I have already purchased two of my textbooks for fall. They both have bookmarks in them as I have also already begun to read them. I am hopeless.

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So, until fall, if I’m not around here or twitter or anywhere else but everywhere else, I’m going to be focusing my time on writing the needed edits for Through This Darkness and the rewrite of Immortal Bond. I don’t know how much time I’ll have for them come the beginning of classes, so I’m pushing hard to get as far as I can.

Lots to do in the next three months. Here’s hoping come September that I don’t find myself one fry short of a happy meal. *crosses fingers*

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New Hobby

I’ve taken to photography as a hobby now, and love snapping pictures. It was an easy thing to get into, mostly because of smart phones all being equipped with cameras. I don’t by any means think I’m great at it, but I enjoy trying to capture what I see at just the right angle, or just the right lighting.

My two favorite subjects for pictures are sunsets…

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…and New York City.

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I take all my photos on my iPhone right now, so I’m clearly not planning on going professional, but it’s fun to play around with the focus and I’ve got some pictures I’m really proud of. I took this one in Central Park this winter.

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This one is of my in-law’s chandelier.

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This one of the daffodils is the only one here not taken on my iPhone. I borrowed my Dad’s camera.

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And last of all, here is one I took of my Buppy ❤ doesn’t he have a lovely profile? *sigh*

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Sunset on Another Time

She was perfect. In my mind, then as much as now, we fit together in every conceivable way. She was a funny, kindhearted, blackbelt, dirty blonde who loved Weird Al, the Beatles, and goofy teeshirts. We were inseparable. We spent hours on the phone, making each other laugh so hard that we couldn’t breathe. I made her a stuffed carrot. She scotch taped angry eyes and a mouth on him and named him Sargon. We listened to each other cry about boys and pretended to fight like we hated each other until we would both collapse with laughter.

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I blame myself for losing her. Her world grew and spread with maturity while mine was systematically shrinking because of my anxiety disorder. Then I got hurt over something stupid and I let her slip away. We grew up, grew apart, got married, stopped calling.

This is not a boo-hoo-poor-me-I-have-no-friends post. I am by no means friendless. In fact, I could even say I am lucky enough to have three best friends, two of which live in the same house as me. Friends I trust with my core (something I don’t easily hand over). I am not trying to downplay this blessing. I just miss her.

She was the one and only Christie. There will never be another one like her. And it makes my heart ache to think that, since she’s the only she, that I will probably never again have what we had together, that perfect symbiotic, we’re totally the same but totally different, mixture of salty and sweet. A girl that I could tell the hard stuff too, who would listen instead of judge. A girl that could see me make a fool of myself and turn it into an opportunity to make me feel real and beautiful and accepted.

This has been a hard season of life for me. I’m struggling. I’m not unhappy, but the harshness of day to day is making me more than usually nostalgic. I used to be able to look back on the past with more of a gentle sigh. Now, it’s heavier, almost a burden, to pick up the pieces of yesterday for a moment’s remembering.

I miss her.

Sunset is one of my favorite parts of the day. I love seeing the sky splashed with brilliance and color. Each one is individual, from the cloud formations, to their chosen shades of reds, purples, and yellows. I have a tendency to snap pictures of almost every sunset I see (my Instagram feed is FILLED with them). Image-1But like many things, the pictures I grab with my cell phone rarely do justice to the rich layers of color, or the golden glow of the clouds hugging the fading sun.

Christie is a sunset. I can’t get her back because that time in my life has faded and the pictures left in my heart will never do justice to the brilliant light she shed on my life when she was part of it. It hurts. Goodbye’s always do. But the nice thing is that sunset happens every night. So I’m just going to wait, with eyes open, for the next beautiful thing to come along and flood my heart with light.

© Rachel Svendsen 2016