Closeness In Silence

I had a lot of fears going into Marriage. There was never any question that I loved Timothy. There was never any question that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. But the process of planning, arranging, and waiting for the wedding day was painstakingly horrendous. The day after he proposed we went to visit his family. They were celebrating November birthdays and they all gushed over me when they saw the ring. When we got in the car to leave, I burst into tears. I hate being the center of attention. Tim held me while I trembled and listened to me gasp “I love you but I don’t know if I can do this” whenever I had breath enough to speak through my semi-hyperventilative state. Needless to say, a little over a year later we got married anyway. (I was half a slow breathing exercise away from passing out during the my vows but…)

One of my weird fears going into marriage was this. A lifetime is a long time, what if we run out of things to talk about? I voiced this fear to a lot of people. The our premarital councilor, my mother and father, Timothy, and random people in the supermarket. They all smiled and said the same thing, “that won’t happen.”

I have been married for two years, but Timothy and I have been inseparable for nearly eight years. I believe they were not telling the whole truth.

Life has been consistently difficult since my miscarriage. Not to say I hate my life because there is beauty in the winter of our lives if you stop and look, but some mornings I wake up and wish to be somewhere or someone else. I often feel like a small child at the ocean for the first time. I ran into the waves with wonder, but their unforeseen strength knocked me off my feet. My head bobs to the surface just in time to meet another breaking wave. The tide is dragging me around and all I can do is wonder when Devine Intervention will rescue me.

I tell my husband everything. We’ve rehashed my current issues over and over until I feel bad about repeating myself. I began to talk to others about it. They’ve all be very patient. But I feel more a burden to them than I do even my husband.

I had another sleepless night yesterday. I listened to some sermons which inadvertently picked the scabs off of old wounds. I laid there in bed, miserable, wishing that I had a friend that I knew for certain would understand if I called them at 2:30 in the morning. I looked over at my tired and hardworking husband. He’s been going to bed early a lot lately because he’s so spent. I wanted his touch. His voice. His comfort. But I couldn’t bring myself to wake him. I laid there for a half hour and finally came to this conclusion, if I couldn’t wake him at 3:00 in the morning when I needed someone, than what was the point of being married.

I rolled over and wrapped my arms around him. I pressed my nose to the bottom of his chin. He stirred.

“Are you awake?” I asked.

“A little.”

“I need you.”

“I’m all yours.” His arms closed around me. I didn’t speak for a while. “What’s the matter?” he asked.

“The same stuff.” I began to cry. “Timmy my heart hurts.”

We didn’t talk much after that. We held to each other for over an hour until we both fell back asleep. To me, it feels as though we have actually run out of things to talk about. I don’t need him any less, but I don’t know what to say to him.

When you love a person for a long time you cannot stay stationary. Things must change or you will stagnate and die. To me, saying that you will never run out of things to talk about is like saying your love will always feel like you just met last week and are still sharing your favorite songs and the funniest stories from your childhood. Timothy knows my whole heart. I hold nothing back. So, right now, there are no words. We have to work to find the words or, if the words don’t come, we have to find togetherness in the silence.

That night I found a closeness in silence with Timothy. By the time I fell back asleep, my heart ached a little less, even though we had run out of things to say.

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12 thoughts on “Closeness In Silence”

  1. I can relate to some of this. Mine didn’t work out, but it was a blessing in disguise because he turned out to be a horrible person. If you ever need to talk though I’m always here. I don’t care what time it is. I will be praying for you. Everything will work out for the best.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Holy cow Rache! I could have written this… 33 yrs in! Madly in love yet now knowing love so different, so subterranean, so Transcendant and yet even alien at times… And my Jane as well, she feels this at times.

    I will only say that when you are up aching, know that I am likely awake as well, and we can pray for one another to be strengthened in the crucible.

    Oh, and for reals, if you need or want you can call me at anytime. That is sincere. As you want or need.

    Deepest blessings to you, and I promise that the way to the things you desire is straight into those refining fires.

    Much Mama Heart be yours and thanks for your prayers too 🐣

    Charissa

    Liked by 1 person

  3. This is so beautiful and to me tells the story of a couple who are rare in that they truly and deeply love and can exchange and express that in silence. Silence speaks volumes, far better than words sometimes.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Your post today reminds me of this old song:

    Hello darkness, my old friend,
    I’ve come to talk with you again,
    Because a vision softly creeping,
    Left its seeds while I was sleeping,
    And the vision that was planted in my brain
    Still remains
    Within the sound of silence.

    I think these times in a marriage are experienced by many couples and I know that I’ve laid in bed, unable to sleep and stared at my ceiling for what seemed like an eternity. There are ebbs and flows to relationships, but you’re right. It needs to be cultivated and tended. Like a garden, it’s not over once it’s been planted. It requires regular maintenance for the garden to prosper.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Yes, but it’s not without its challenges. I think that my first major challenge was understanding that the excitement of dating, the marriage, and honeymoon could not stay at those levels. Then kids arrived and there was less time for us. A casual existence ensued, which led to apathy. Eventually, we decided to “tend the garden” and make more time for us.

        Liked by 1 person

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